*We* all know that there are more actresses over the age of 50 than just Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren and Sally Field, but Hollywood doesn’t seem to.
So, I think it’s time that we phased out some of our more, uh, seasoned actors with decidedly young actors. I say, in the same way that female roles all get aged down (Aunt May in the next Spiderman is going to be Marisa fucking Tomei), we start aging down anything that calls for a male actor we’ve seen in more than 15 pictures.
Scott Eastwood (28) for Michael Douglas (71)
Hollywood royalty family, pretty eyes, mediocre-at-best acting skills. Sounds good to me. Eastwood is currently just a little bit younger than Douglas was when he started starring in The Streets of San Francisco, so if we can get him out of Nicholas Sparks movies, I think he might have a career.
Donald Glover (32) for Will Smith (47)
The age difference actually isn’t that big by Hollywood standards, but I would have loved to see Glover woo Margot Robbie (24) in Focus instead of Smith, who’s old enough to basically be her dad. Even still, a 8 year age difference is a little squicky, no? Maybe John Boyega’s (23) star won’t fall a la Hayden Christensen after his Star Wars appearance and he can get to be a charming son-of-a-gun in a sleek RomCom soon. (PS: I don’t actually think Will Smith is old, but he shouldn’t be paired with women half his age.)
Max Minghella (29) for Robert De Niro (72)
Always somewhere between a goombah and a smart guy, De Niro has kind of realized that he’s not believable as a badass anymore, so he’s done a lot of comedy recently. Personally, I like swarthy Italian guys, and I’d like an option that’s not one of the unbelievably overrated Franco Brothers. Enter Minghella, who’s also son-of-a-famous-guy, but whatever. The eyebrows!
Sam Claflin (29) for Harrison Ford (73)
Holy crap, I had no idea Ford was older than De Niro. The key here is charisma, which Ford still has in spades, despite that stupid AF earring. But I have to be honest: I didn’t really want Clafin to be Finnick Odair in The Hunger Games series, I wanted Jesse Williams. But after seeing him onscreen… he is just as charming as Ford, and I’d love to see the lanky Brit take on some action movies. Well done, Claflin.
Sam Heughan (35) for Sean Connery (85)
Connery doesn’t work anymore, but guuuuuuuurl, do we even have to explain this.
Diego Luna (36) for Johnny Depp (52)
Luna can do weird and offbeat and charming and sexy and all the things that Johnny Depp used to be before he became your creepy stoner uncle. I mean, that’s a pic of Depp from 2015 and according to IMDb, he still has five movies in the hopper. If he was a lady, he’d be relegated to kooky grandma roles.
Harry Shum (33) for Hugh Jackman (47)
You’re saying– What? You want Wolverine to be Asian? Sure, I mean, who cares, but also: think of the footwork. Shum is the dancer from Glee and is indisputably the most attractive cast member from that shit show. Think of how well his skill would transfer to action-adventure movies. Anything Jackman can do, Shum could do better.
Richard Ayoade for any of the following: Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, or basically any of these old guys who keep getting movies despite the antiquity of their humor.
There are plenty of comic actors working now who are conventionally hunky– another point toward the Franco brothers, and even Zac Efron. But what really grew the Old Guard of Sandler Acolytes’ careers was that they were not conventionally hunky. That’s not a snark on Ayoade, whom I think is quite adorable, but if we’re going to get the racist and overplayed guard out, I think we need to replace them. Stat.
Chris Pine (35) for Tom Hanks (59)
Pine is the perfect New Hanks– charismatic and handsome, but, ya know, innocuous. He’s believable as a boy next door, is a really good actor, and is at his best when doing goofy comedy. Very Hanks-ian, in my personal opinion.
Which actors would you replace?