Two Lines

Two lines, two pink lines.  Who would have thought that something so simple would mean so much?

I wasn’t the girl who babysat kids growing up or had her dream wedding all planned out. I never really had the urge for children until I met my husband. We started trying about 6 months after our wedding. Of course, I take the technical approach and am using ovulation kits and measuring my temperatures. If I want to do something so big, so important, I want to do it right. In college I knew I only had 4 years to get my degree since I was paying for it myself. In 4 years I accomplished 2 degrees. When asked to keep a food and symptom diary when my neurologist was trying to figure out my migraines, I came in with a full notebook. You could say I’m a little OCD.

img courtesy pexels

img courtesy pexels

After going on websites and apps and reading how hard it is for many people to conceive, I figured it would take a while. I immersed myself in articles online, new mom forums, and I probably talked my best friend’s ear off.Picture my face when I was late for my period and got a positive pregnancy test in the first month.

I was elated! I was so excited that this had actually worked! My body, which has failed me so many times, actually did what it was supposed to do. I had my first ultrasound appointment scheduled in a few weeks. I didn’t have any symptoms other than fatigue. I was so excited to be starting the journey. My husband and I talked about whether or not we want to find out the gender beforehand, how we should tell our families, what names we likedlots of things. I felt such a sense of honor to be given this opportunity, this gift.

Two days before my first ultrasound I spontaneously miscarried. This is where you’d insert the record scratch in the movie of my life. I went from riding high and being excited to suddenly being thrown into the deep. Stressful? Yes. Depressed? Yes. It’s like a bucket of cold water being dumped on you (and it didn’t even have anything to do with ALS).

Flash forward two months and I am ready to do this again. I’ve gone through the pain of the loss. I’ve grieved. I’ll continue to grieve but I’m ready to try again. We start trying again.

Second cycle, boom, two pink lines again. I’m elated again but have this apprehension kind of lingering in my periphery. As each week progresses the nervousness of my previous loss dissipates slightly.

It’s crazy but I feel more like a woman by being pregnant. This time around I have intense nausea 24/7. It totally sucks but each day that I have it, I know that my Little Engine That Could is still trucking along. I never thought I would want something so much until it was given and then taken away so quickly. I felt empty. I felt like I failed. I didn’t think being a mother would be so important until I got pregnant. I am in charge of this new life. I feel so empowered. Of course I’m still scared out of my mind but there’s something inside me that is telling me I can do it.

I was born to do this.

Sarah Grubb is a fashion and textile designer living in Los Angeles with her husband and French bulldog, Newman. To keep in touch with her, follow her on Twitter and Instagram. 

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